Hellsing's Bizarre Adventure
by iliveinsingapore
Summary: Hazama and Alucard are back with a new comrade, Dio Brando from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. They will be trolling the entire Twilight cast, including the werewolves and Volturi, who are their targets. Sequel to Butterfly Knives and Huge-ass Handguns.
1. Chapter 1: A New Beginning

**A/N: What up, bitches! I'm back with a brand new sequel to Butterfly Knives and Huge-ass Handguns, now taking place in the Twilight universe, needless to say Edward will be trolled beyond reason. He is, however, not the main antagonist of the series but rather the fall guy, meaning he will be trolled and only trolled and not do anything other than get trolled. Main antagonist is way out of his league anyway; he's too gay for that. So in this chapter, we see the Hellsing guys get acquainted with their new partner in crime. **

* * *

Integra crushed the letter in her hands and threw it over her shoulder, after which it landed neatly in the bin. She was scowling, hold on, she's always scowling. Anyway, she was even angrier than usual, maybe it was her period or something.

"Master, is there anything wrong?" Alucard inquired.

"No. Apparently this Kujo guy sent us the remains of a vampire that is apparently very powerful or something. I am just deliberating over what to do with it; dispose of it or make it one of us, seeing as we are rather shorthanded. Again."

"I don't see any problem with another vampire running about the house."

"With you around, one vampire is ten too many. But I guess I have to make do. There is another mission sent in from Her Majesty and I need a replacement for Seras."

"Last I saw of her she was fine. Why does she need to be replaced?"

"Apparently in the mission you will encounter a bunch of vampires that abstain from human blood, and I don't want Seras getting any ideas on her diet." What Integra said made Alucard stop and think for a bit. Seras recently started to drink human blood, albeit donated, but the last thing any of them did indeed need was for her to stop as human blood is the source of life and power for vampires and nothing else could replace it.

"Well, then let's get to it."

Alucard carried the package down to the dungeons of the Hellsing manor, following Integra's lead. The dungeon had served as the Hellsings' magical laboratory and was where the various descendents of Hellsing before Integra had performed their experiments on Alucard, binding him to their bloodline as well as making him even more ridiculously powerful and broken. They were about to do the same to whoever this vampire was.

Alucard laid the casket on a stone table in the middle of a featureless room, the walls and floor were untiled and hewn from the bedrock under the mansion. Alucard ripped off the package's wrapping paper and opened the casket within, exposing its contents.

The body was in very bad shape, a long gash extending from his left shin all the way to his head, which was split in two all the way down to the ribs. The body was bone dry, not a drop of blood in its veins, giving it the look of an unbandaged mummy.

Integra sighed and slit her palm, letting her blood run into a bowl on an altar next to the table. When it was about half full, she picked up an ornately carved knife, its handle and blade carved from the bones of a Cthulu. How the Hellsings got that I have no idea.

She used the knife to stir the blood while murmuring in a pagan language. The blood seemed to glow a little brighter, turning from a deep burgundy to a shade of vermillion akin to that of Alucard's eyes. Speaking of him, he was looking at his Master's injured hand quite hungrily, but he restrained himself.

When Integra was done with her pagan language murmuring, she pulled the knife out of the bowl, which was now only a quarter full. The blade of the knife, previously whiter than Edward Cullen's pasty gay face, was now a deep scarlet. Alucard turned the body on its back and Integra began carving an ornate magical circle on the back of the body. When she was done, the circle was about the same as the ones on Alucard's gloves.

To complete the ritual, she took the remaining blood in the bowl and drizzled some in the corpse's mouth, expecting its tongue to stick out and lap up the blood. Nothing happened. She frowned and drizzled more blood but got jack shit. Then she noticed the right hand of the vampire.

The hand was animated, its fingers wriggling about as if trying to grab something but was unable to on account of the arm it was attached to still being immobile. Integra put two and two together and brought the bowl of blood under the fingers. As soon as the fingers made contact with the red fluid, tentacles extended from the tips of the fingers and started to drain the blood, making the veins of the arm pulse grotesquely. Meanwhile, the body was healing itself, its flesh filling out, the skin regaining its color and the wound closing itself up. When the bowl was empty, the body stood up and it leaned back. "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" It shrieked, and loudly. So loud that both Integra and Alucard covered their ears to keep from going deaf.

Then the vampire spoke. "Thank you for reviving me. As thanks, I, Dio, will allow you to serve as my right hand men for eternity, as well as grant you eternal life. Be grateful that I, Dio, did not attack you and drain you of the rest of your blood." His voice was very deep and sounded a little like Tim Curry, or Emperor Doviculus, for those who played Brutal Legend.

Integra was not pleased with his attitude. "Shut up and get down from there. And put some decent clothes on while you're at it."

Dio was about to say something smart when his body complied, jumping from its perch and standing in front of the woman/man. He did not however make any effort to replace the tattered rags on him in the advent of there not being any other garments to wear. "What the… what did you do to me? Why am I, Dio, following the commands of a human?"

"You have got some guts to tell me that you will allow me to be your servant, Dio, was it? As you are unfamiliar to the situation, let me enlighten you. The servant here is not me but you. Know your place." Integra said while staring right at Dio.

"You think you have me bound to your word by just this ritual? I, Dio, just have to kill you to undo it! The World!" Dio roared, summoning his Stand. It was a very large and very buff Aztec-looking man, with heart-shaped things on its elbows, knee caps, chin, navel and groin. As it appeared, a circle spread from around it, everything within it started to get colored in negative. It spread out and covered the entire room and beyond, before the color finally disappeared. "Time is frozen! Let's see you give your orders when you are stuck in the frozen time!" Dio gloated.

"Get down and give me a hundred!" Integra commanded. Dio got down and started doing push ups, bewilderment evident on his face.

"What, how? Why can you move? You should be unable to do anything!" Dio was enraged. Not only was his greatest power powerless against this witch, he was being humiliated by being made to do common calisthenics.

Integra was intrigued by his mentioning of time being frozen, but the way she looked at it, there was nothing different save for the crazy color fuck-up circle thing. She picked up the ceremonial knife and let go of it. It stayed in mid-air, garnering a low whistle from Alucard. "It seems that time really has stopped. What an interesting power."

Dio had finished his hundred push ups and was glaring at Integra. "How dare you humiliate me, Dio, with such unrefined punishments!" He was about to try something, but Alucard stepped in front of his master and pulled out the Jackal he had picked up at the end of the last series. "Try something like that again, and the bullet will go into your brain."

"Oooh, a big scary gun! What's it going to do, maim me? Like I haven't had enough of that already." Alucard fired, ticked off by the other vampire's attitude. The bullet left the barrel but that was as far as it went, courtesy of the time stoppage. Alucard growled, expressing his displeasure while Dio smirked.

Alucard sighed and put away his gun. "Look, vampire. It doesn't have to be this hard. Just listen to what Integra says and go with it. She is not an unreasonable master."

"She says that I, Dio, am to be her servant, and I, Dio, refuse to be treated as something whose job is but to clean up her mess."

"For your information, vampire, your job in serving me is not to do such menial tasks. We have a butler on the premises for a reason."

* * *

Walter was wiping a window when he sneezed. "I thought vampires were immune to human sicknesses." He mumbled to himself as he continued with his work.

* * *

"Then what, pray tell, is my job? To look after your cat?" Dio had assumed a less violent stance, leaning slightly backwards and crossing his arms over his chest. The World also disappeared into his body and the floating knife fell to the ground. And a big chunk of the wall behind him exploded.

"Your job is to go out and kill things when I tell you to. Other than that, nothing else." Integra replied. Dio was quite happy at this development. "So what you're saying is that I, Dio, just have to go out and kill whatever it is you want me to kill? And that's it?"

Integra nodded an affirmative. "Well, then I, Dio, suppose that we can come to an agreement. I, Dio, will take this job if you will respect and acknowledge me as above a servant."

"No dice. Ya gotta work ya way up from the bottom." Hazama was leaning against the door into the room, twirling his trademark butterfly knife in his hand. "And what have we here…?" Dio muttered.

"I'm a new guy, just like you. Got here not three months ago. Really, this place ain't so bad once ya get used to it. Also, the boss ain't such a bad person, long as ya stay outta her way." Dio pondered this for a moment, then shrugged. "Fine, I, Dio, will play along. I, Dio, think that this place suits me. Do you mind if I, Dio, take this room for my quarters?"

"Fine. Just pack whatever you need now. I already have your first mission. Hazama, Alucard, you two are going too."

"Well, that was fast. I expected a little time to rest and get used to the surroundings first." Dio was a little shocked by the development, not expecting his first assignment to take place right after he was revived.

"No point. You will be gone for quite a period of time as this assignment is expected to take at least a few weeks to complete. You will be going to some random backwater town in the Olympic Ridge in Washington, America. There you will meet a group of peace-loving non-human-blood drinking 'vampires'. You will extract from them, by any means necessary, the information as well as the method to get to this group of vampires called the Volturi, who are your main targets."

"When do we leave?" Alucard asked. "Now." Integra answered.

"But first, could you explain to me why you lot were immune to my Stand's power?"

Integra and Alucard looked at each other in confusion. " Stand? You mean that creepy buff Aztec guy behind you earlier on?"

"Yes. It's ability is to stop time." Dio answered, slightly ticked off at the dismissive manner his Stand was described.

"Well, you are bound to eternal servitude to the Hellsing bloodline." Dio winced at the word 'servitude' but kept his comments to himself. "Naturally, we wouldn't want to have ourselves killed by our servants' powers, like what you tried to pull earlier on. So we included a spell in the binding seal that grants any Hellsing operative immunity to each others' supernatural abilities."

Dio, satisfied but still a little pissed at the explanation, nodded and muttered an affirmative before walking out the door, followed by his new colleagues and boss. "Ah, yes, about those clothes. I, Dio, quite believe that it would be rather unsightly to parade around in this outfit." He announced while looking down at his clothes, or at least what was left of them. His black tank top was ripped down the middle, showing off his ridiculous musculature. His left trouser leg was also ripped apart all the way to where it joined the tear on his shirt, making the others wonder how it ended up like that in the first place.

"Don't worry about that. The butler will see to it that you receive new clothes at the door." With that, they left the dungeons.

* * *

"Bella, you're awake now~!" Edward screamed like a little girl, accentuated by the little squiggly line before the exclamation mark. He hugged Bella hard, forgetting that he had superhuman strength (for a pansy fairy at least) and promptly started choking Bella. She tried to yell at him to not hug her so hard but she was constricted and unable to make a sound.

Edward just carried on squeezing, and Bella started to black out, spots clouding her vision. Edward finally released her from his embrace and was about to start blabbering but he only saw Bella with her eyes rolled back into her head and foam in her mouth. And comatose. Again.

"NOOOOOOO~!"

"Emmett, how many times has this happened already?" A really pale movie-star looking blond woman asked the pale buff guy who high-fived the heart monitor.

"Uh, seventh, I think."

"I hate the little bitch, but being treated like this makes even me pity her for having Edward as her boyfriend." The woman muttered while face palming.

"Don't be like that, Rosalie. You know how your brother gets worked up over little things like that." Another pale woman, this one good-looking in a caring, spoiling mother kind of way chided.

"Esme, we all know that getting 'worked up' doesn't begin to describe what Edward's like when he's like that. He acts like a five-year old girl that sucked twenty lollipops and fifty coffee drops in five minutes flat." Rosalie shot back.

"We shouldn't be fighting over Edward's tense moments now. Alice's reaction to what she saw yesterday really disturbs me. What could have caused her to have a fit and bit her own tongue off?" Another pale man piped up. He wasn't as gay as Edward, but more gay than Emmett on account of not being buff.

"Sorry, Jasper." The two women apologized with sheepish looks on their faces.

* * *

Hazama, Alucard and Dio all sneezed at the same time. "Looks like someone knows we're coming." Hazama muttered with an evil grin, which spread to his colleagues' faces as well. Dio got his new threads and they made for the plane.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry to those who were expecting Bang to turn up in this, but again, if he were to stay in this universe for too long, there would be nothing left for Hazama to troll because of all the things that are worth trolling will be burned in the flames of true manliness. And then there would be nothing for me to write about and nothing for you to read. So yeah, leave a review for crying out loud, and not just Kamen Rider Double, please, and also thanks to him for reviewing this thing regularly.**


	2. Chapter 2: Meet the Cullens!

A/N: The gang touch down in the land of Stars and Stripes, and unleash hell on the way to the random backwater town, giving Alice even more fits in her dreams. Also, I will be introducing a little something called the Edward Troll Count, denoted in

_**italics**_

**. As the name suggests, it counts the number of times Eddie gets trolled. Have fun and watch as the metaphorical shit hits the proverbial fan.**

* * *

"Alice! She's waking up!" Esme called from Alice's ward. Edward got up and dashed to Alice and got ready to hug her like he did Bella. No one made any move to stop him as they knew Alice might be able to take it on account of being Twilight's sorry excuse for a vampire. The key word there is 'might'. Maybe 'sorry', and 'excuse', too, actually.

Granted, Alice was stirring, her eyes flickering under their lids and she was twitching a little. But she did not wake up, instead she started screaming in her coma and thrashing around, as if trying to run away from something. The shock of this made Edward scream like the little girl that he is. _Edward troll count: 1. _No one was surprised by this, however. _Edward troll count: 2. _

Jasper got even more worried, but at least he had some guts and did not shriek, squeal and cry but just settled for taking Alice's hand and praying. Not that any god would answer him anyway, seeing as he committed blasphemy to any and all religions by being related to Edward as a cast member of Twilight. He prayed uUntil Alice's other hand smacked him in the mouth, after which he put some distance between himself and the unconscious girl before resuming his prayers.

* * *

"Hey guys, I was thinking, maybe we could each do something completely buttfuck retarded on the way to meet our new friends." Hazama suggested, his venom gold eyes shining with evil mischief.

"And what would you propose, then? I, Dio, am in the mood for making a big mess out of everything after being turned into a blood fountain." Dio replied, expressing his interest in Hazama's scheme.

"We could just burn down every town on the way to that random backwater town." Alucard replied, his red eyes glowing brighter than usual, accentuating his trademark batshit crazy grin.

"Tempting, but no. I dunno about you, but I don't wanna suffer the wrath of the Ice Queen when we get back. We gotta do something that only we can do, but is still physically possible by humans." Hazama replied. Alucard's mood dimmed, but he nodded in understanding. If he did kill off that many innocents for no other reason than for just fun, Integra wouldn't settle for just grounding him or turning him into a woman.

"How about when we're driving, I, Dio, will steer with my feet and operate the pedals with my hands."

"Awesome idea, but how are you gonna see the road?" Hazama asked Dio.

"I, Dio, can operate my body after being decapitated. Vampires can do that." Dio said with a shrug.

"Really? My kind of vampires just die after being decapitated. At least most of them do, but the real Nosferatu like yours truly can only regenerate after being beheaded, but that's about it."

"Perhaps there are different kinds of vampires?" Dio mused.

"That's all really interesting but we're getting off topic here. What do you think ya gonna do, Alucard?" Hazama steered the conversation back to its original bearing.

"Hmm… What can I do that doesn't involve killing anything and everything within a ten mile radius…?" Alucard pondered this for a good ten seconds before getting the 'Eureka!' look on his face while a light bulb lit up behind his head. "Turn off that light if you're not going to use it for reading!" Dio shouted at the man who was sitting behind Alucard. The light turned off. "Sorry, what was it you want to do later?"

"I'm going to turn the entire female population into lesbians with my hypnosis." Alucard answered while puffing out his chest. Hazama grinned, expressing his support. Dio was not convinced by Alucard's proposal, however. "I, Dio, am of the opinion that vampire hypnosis only worked if you looked the victim in the eyes. Also, what are you going to do if the route takes us past a male homosexual village?"

"We'll burn that down. Not many people really like gay people anyway. They creep me out." Hazama answered for Alucard, who held up his fist which Hazama bumped with his own.

"Well, human females seem to like male homosexuals, particularly the Japanese." Dio argued.

"Well, we're going to America, which isn't Japan. Also, there are more guys that hate gays than girls who like 'em there anyway." Hazama retorted.

"Fine, then I'll just run alongside the car as Baskerville while thrashing anything in the immediate vicinity." Alucard decided.

"That could work. I figure that as long as we don't kill anyone, Integra can't have our heads." Hazama agreed.

"What about you then, Hazama?" Dio inquired.

"I'm gonna throw random things at people. Hard." Hazama replied with a really evil grin that failed to impress either of his colleagues.

"That doesn't sound like something only you can do." Alucard pointed out.

"How's a dozen bowling balls, ten boots filled with solid lead, a few rabid rabbits, a couple of cats tripped up on catnip and an armory of explosives flying at your face sound?"

"That would be fine." Dio approved, smiling at the last bit.

The guys got off the plane, grabbed their shit and hailed a taxi, which they told to go to a car rental station. They rented a 1970 Mustang with a hot rod paint job (which they had no intention of returning in its original condition, if returning it at all.) and drove it into a back alley where they got ready for their pranks.

Dio had Hazama cut his head off with his knives, then positioned his head on the dashboard such that it could see out the windscreen well enough to drive. Hazama pulled all the things he was going to throw at people from his jacket and threw then into the car, then took shotgun. Alucard shape shifted into Baskerville and sat waiting on his haunches.

Dio started up the car before getting into position, his headless body climbing down and placing his hands on the pedals, his chest to the seat and his feet on the pedalssteering wheel. The car was automatic so he didn't have to worry about changing gears, and as for the speed limit, let's just say that they weren't going to care about it from the start.

Dio drove the car out the alley with Hazama reading from the map. "Okay, turn right. No! Other right! God damn it, maybe having you drive like that wasn't such a good idea."

"If you're so good at it, why don't you try?" Dio's head roared at Hazama despite having no lungs for breath. Hazama went back to reading the map.

Baskerville bounded after the car which contained its colleagues, which was swerving this way and that as trying to steer with your feet while operating the pedals with your hands isn't exactly easy as ABCs. Baskerville just bounded offjumped and crashed into everything in the way, trying to cause as much damage as possible and clearly enjoying himself, his tongue hanging out as drool splattered everywhere.

They had finally reached the freeway after thrashing around three blocks worth of roadside shops, mailboxes, fire hydrants and people, as well as causing not less than twenty other motor vehicles to crash due to the reckless driving of Dio, which was kind of what the trio wanted to achieve anyway; complete and utter chaos.

"Shit! Brake, Dio, we're gonna crash into that eighteen wheeler heading this way!" Hazama yelled at Dio's head. Dio replied by summoning The World to smack the truck out the way. The truck was lifted about a meter off the ground while their Mustang, now covered in bumps, scratches and was even missing a side mirror skidded across two lanes into the fast lane, earning them a lot of angry horning by the cars they cut.

Their rage was cut off by Baskerville bounding on top of the cars, causing them to crash into each other and the street lamps. and Dio using The World as a battering ram of sorts to dispose of cars in front of them while Hazama tossed cream pies at the windshields, causing a huge pile up behind them as the cars braked or lost control and crashed into each other.

Soon, police helicopters hovered around them while SWAT vans drove towards them against traffic. An officer in the helicopter yelled at them to stop the car and get out with their hands help up. Dio and Hazama looked at each other and grinned the exact same evil grin. Apparently they were both thinking along the same lines.

Dio pushed the accelerator through the floorboards, causing the car to leap forward with a mighty roar of its engines while Hazama readied a few rabid animals and cats on catnip. As Dio smashed through the blockade, Hazama threw each of the animals with deadly accuracy, the rabid animals landing right on their targets' crotches and proceeding to viciously gnaw off their gonads while the cats landed on their targets' faces and started humping them.

Baskerville occupied himself by jumping up and biting off the helicopter's tail end with his teeth, causing it to crash. The big black dog landed without missing a step and bounded after the still madly swerving car, from which emanated maniacal laughter as well as boots filled with lead, which smacked into the heads of the officers who weren't assaulted by rabid or high household pets and knocking them out stone cold.

More helicopters and SWAT vans joined the chase, but what really but Hazama's attention was in the top left corner of his eyesight right under his health bar; there were five golden six-sided stars that he never noticed were there before. He shoved that thought into the back of his mind and concentrated on pitching bowling balls at 100 mph at the SWAT vans and helicopters. Baskerville helped by ramming the vans that weren't targeted by Hazama and going Jaws on more helicopters.

Dio's horrible steering with his feet also served to throw off the aim of the gunners on the helicopter and buying time for either Hazama or Alucard to dispose of them. "Hazama, where is the exit I'm supposed to take?" Dio inquired.

"Kinda busy now!" Hazama replied while chucking an IKEA cupboard filled with TNT at a SWAT van that was getting too close for comfort. Dio sighed and decided to stop this farce. He didn't want Hazama to run out of ammunition before they reached another town. "The World! Time is frozen!" His disembodied head called out, causing the colors of everything not in contact with any of the Hellsing operatives to turn into negatives.

Hazama glared at Dio. "What?"

"Why didn't you do that from the start?" Hazama asked.

"I, Dio, was having too much fun." Hazama made no reply and reached for the map. "Hmm… where are we now…"

Alucard's voice rang out in Hazama's head. "Well, I believe we just passed a certain Exit 223." Hazama looked for it on the map, then figured out which exit they were supposed to take. "Dio, ya gotta take the exit after the next, number 225, got it?"

Dio just nodded. He kept up the time stop until they made it to the exit, after which time continued for the SWAT teams, who were surprised that a car that looked like it was being driven by a piss ass drunk guy that was high on heroin, speed, LSD and crack at the same time that had all sorts of random things flying out at lethal speeds and a gigantic black dog could disappear like that.

Then a steamroller dropped out of the sky and landed in front of all of them, causing them to piss themselves simultaneously.

"What are you smiling about, Dio?" Hazama asked as he pulled more things out of his jacket to throw later.

"Nothing, nothing at all."

They carried on with their rampage, with Baskerville jumping off more cars and such, Dio being and ass when it comes to driving and Hazama throwing Justin Bieber CDs like shurikens at fangirls, nailing all of them right between the eyes. "Good riddance to bad rubbish!" Hazama crowed as he chucked the last few CDs at the last few random fangirls.

He had found the CDs in the Doc's quarters in the Millennium flagship and had wanted to sell them on eBay after the epic fight, but no one wanted to buy them because the fangirls had already illegally downloaded already had them as well as the fact that them and nd no one else wanted to spend money on shit like that.

They were driving past a random house when he spied a somewhat familiar face. He randomly chuckeddecided to randomly hurl a door at her because he felt that it had been done before somewhere in the past and it would be funny to see someone get hit right on the kisser with a door anyway. "Door to the head!" Hazama yelled as he let fly a solid mahogany door with an ornately carved handle made of bronze.

* * *

Bella had just been discharged from the hospital. She really loved Edward (I feel… polluted from just typing that. Ugh.) but it was really annoying to keep on being forced back into a coma when he got clingy. She remembered what put her in the hospital in the first place; a random door flying out of nowhere smacking her right on the kisserin the face.

She bent down to pick up the newspaper for her father, then realized that there was an odd rectangle shaped shadow travelling across the ground. This prompted her to look up and see the door, feel an odd sense of déjà vu followed by her shrieking.

* * *

Hazama watched as the door nailed her in the head. It did indeed feel like it had happened before. "Hey, Dio. We there yet?" Hazama was fresh out of things to throw and felt rather satisfied with himself.

"You're the one with the map, you tell me." Dio replied.

"Oh, right." Hazama reached for the map and looked for the big red X on the map which denoted their destination.

"Turn at the next right, then go straight through the mall. There should be a forest up ahead and drive through that too. We should come across a big white house or something."

Dio responded by turning violently at the next turn, nearly doing a donut but crashing into the adjacent building and snapping the car around such that it faced the mall Hazama described. He proceeded to drive straight through the mall, scaring the shit out of everyone. Baskerville bounded after them, still slobbering everywhere and scaringed the piss out of everyone this time.

Dio crashed out the other side of the mall, through a lingerie store which explained the lacy panties and bras that covered their now nearly totaled Mustang. Baskerville followed shortly after, seeming to enjoy being covered in women's underwear for some reason.

The drive through the forest was rather uneventful and they soon came across a big white house. "Dio, we're here. Slow the car down." Hazama said in a slightly suggestive tone.

Dio aapparently caught on. "Oh, but the brake seems to have been broken along the way here. Whatever should I, Dio, do?"

Alucard answered the question for them. "Well, there seems to be a rather large and sturdy building in the general direction we are travelling in that could serve as a rather crude stopping measure."

Dio feigned ignorance. "Hmm, that seems rather hard to comprehend… Could you do a better job simplifying what he just said, Hazama?"

"I guess you could say that," His gold eyes flashing behind the random pair of sunglasses he put on before finishing his sentence with "It's time to crash this party!" while putting on his crazy grin, which Dio and Baskerville mirrored as the trio screamed "YEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!". At least Dio did, dogs aren't very well able to smile due to the structure of their facial muscles being different but the way Alucard pulled back his chops could pass off as one I guess.

They crashed into the house, causing the heavily abused car to give up and commit suicide, blowing itself and a big chunk of the house up. After which Hazama and Dio walked out, Hazama's hair smoking a little and Dio sticking his head back on his shoulders.

"We gotta do that again sometime." Hazama said to his colleagues as Alucard shifted back into his humanoid form.

"Well, I want to be in the car next time it happens." Alucard answered with a slightly put off look.

"Maybe we could pull that one again if we ever have to come back to this godforsaken place." They all gave each other high fives.

Just then, the Cullens walked out of the new in/egress point in their abode, but stayed out of the sunlight. Among them was a really ugly woman holding her head, which Hazama recognized as the one who got door-ed. "What happened here?" The apparent leader asked the Hellsing operatives.

"What's it look like? We used your house as a braking mechanism as our brakes weren't working." Hazama replied.

"Hey, that's no way to talk to Carlisle!" The most gay looking one in the group yelled back.

"Shut up, sunshine. Mommy and daddy are talking." Hazama spat back._ Edward troll count: 3._

"You better watch your mouth! I'm a vampire!" Gay guy retorted while puffing out his skinny chest.

"Vampire? Well I, Dio, think that a little exercise is in order. Need to get the old bones moving." Dio smirked and beckoned Gaywad with a finger, causing him to squeal in rage and try and punch Dio.

Dio easily dodged and punched the so-called vampire in the gut. It was like hitting a rock, but Dio had experience with punching buildings to bits with his bare hands so this was not a problem.

Pasty skin flew about a hundred feet away. "I planned for that! You never thought that I would survive that, but I am an indestructible vampire!" Edward yelled out while sticking his arms on his waist and puffing his skinny chest out.

Dio responded by pressurizing the fluid in his eyes and opening a little hole in his pupils, causing it to shoot out like a pair of water jets that could slice through rock, which they did to Edward's arm. "What? What was that? You have laser eye beams?" The one known as Carlisle asked in disbelief at what just happened.

"Well, I, Dio, am a true vampire, not like the sorry and inadequate excuse for one, like him." Dio answered, referring to Edward.

Edward just picked his arm up and stuck it back on its stump, then charged Dio while yelling 'EEEEDWAAAAAAAAAAAAARD CUUUUUUUULLEEEEEEEEEEEN!'. Dio dodged his completely predictable strike and retaliated with a punch that would have literally knocked Edward's block off had he not dodged.

"What, how did you dodge that?" Dio was quite surprised at the development.

"I can read minds, deal with it." Edward replied with more than a little arrogance. Dio tried to strike first this time, but Edward stripped down to his underwear and stepped into a patch of sunlight. "Edward used FLASH!" Edward yelled.

'AAAAARGH, MY EYES!" Dio was blinded, both by the gay sparkling and the sheer gayness of the creature in front of him, his eyes literally melting out of his skull. Edward saw his chance and landed one on Dio, who didn't even twitch. Edward gulped nervously as Dio grew new eyes and glared at him.

"So you can read minds, eh? Well, let's see what good it'll do you when time is frozen! THE WORLD!" Dio hollered, fucking up the landscape's colors yet again. Dio ripped off Edward's head and punted it but it only got around five meters away before stopping in mid-air. He then tore off Gaywad's arm and beat up the rest of his body with it. _Edward troll count: 4, 5._

Hazama busied himself with scribbling on the male occupants of the house with a permanent marker that cannot be removed at all, even with acid or alcohol or any other kind of solvents. His doodles included but were far from limited to erect male genitalia outside their mouths as well as crosshairs right between their eyes. After he was done, he pulled landmines out of his jacket and laid them around the 'men', then proceeded to stomp on each and every one of them, hard. He then pulled out a bandolier of grenades, pulled out the pins and held them for four seconds before sticking them in the Cullens' mouths like apples in roast pigs, which was what they were about to become anyway.

Meanwhile, Alucard was busy experimenting with the two women. One had shiny blond hair and looked like a movie star, which is a synonym for 'glorified slut', and the other was the girl whose face got introduced to Hazama's door. He settled with them locked in a passionate embrace, their tongues entwined around each other while blonde's fingers hovered around ugly's crotch, whose hand was caressing slut's ass.

The three of them having finished messing around when time took a time out, Dio smiled while starting a countdown. "Activating shit storm in three… two… oooooooooooooooone-now." And so the shit storm did activate.

First, Edward's head shot off into the distance and sparkled while it disappeared like Team Rocket always does, but this time it has a legitimate reason for the sparking, while his body ran around like a headless chicken, which is a surprisingly accurate representation of his current situation as he is a total chicken as he can't deal with his girlfriend breaking up with him _Edward troll count: 6_, and he is currently lacking a cranium. As to whether the contents of said cranium are even existent in the first place is leaning towards the improbable.

The two women shrieked, bit their own and each others' tongues and pushed each other away, but they didn't look repulsed at all, in fact, they looked as if they were saying wordlessly to each other; "I'll call you later."

The male (lol) Cullens looked surprised for a split second at their predicament; surrounded by minefields and gagged with grenades, which promptly proceeded to blow the lot of them to Kingdom Come. The two true vampires and the man in the fedora beamed proudly at their handiwork.

"Wait, how are we gonna get the information about the other big group of vampires if we just killed the fucking lot of them?" Hazama asked his colleagues.

"Well, you saw what happened with the headless one over there. He apparently survived decapitation and when his arm got sliced off, he just stuck it back on like a Lego block or something. They'll be back in a while." Alucard answered.

"While we're waiting, wanna go steal shit?" Hazama asked the other two.

"I, Dio, call dibs on whatever books they got in their library that doesn't have anything to do with gay sex."

"I'm going for the kitchen. All that throwing of random shit and planting explosives made me hungry. And maybe I'll steal their television too." Hazama replied.

"Well, I'm not sure what I can steal, seeing as none of these people are man enough to keep guns or anything. I guess I'll just thrash that gay guy's room and piss and shit all over the place _Edward troll count: 7_." Alucard shrugged and shifted into Baskerville and followed the other two into the house to wreak their havoc.

* * *

**A/N: I know it took me a while to get this thing up, but I had exams to study for, but most of it was because I was too fucking lazy. Also, if any of you readers happen to be in Singapore and have a left handed bass guitar, let me know because I really need one for my metal band.**


	3. Chapter 3: Edward, You Mad?

**A/N: Back for another round of insanity. Last time, the Hellsing gang just introduced themselves less-than-politely to everyone's least favorite supernatural dude, things. Yeah. Anyway, they're gonna be crashing here for a while just to mess up their lives before going on to their real mission. The reason why they don't want to get this over and done with sooner rather than later? Edward's too damn fun to troll.**

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Edward's head screamed. He was hurtling through the stratosphere somewhere around Mach 5, already having left the Americas and was speeding somewhere above the middle of the Pacific Ocean towards Japan. He didn't know how things ended up this way, the last thing he heard before his trip across the earth's largest body of water was the blond guy yelling out 'The World!', then this.

Down on the ground, a kid looked up at the sky and saw a shooting star thing. "Dad, Team Rocket just blasted off again." the kid told his father in Japanese.

"Really? You'd think that them idiots would have gotten a clue after being sent flying after the over 9000 times already." The boy's father muttered without taking his eyes off the television.

* * *

Edward had cleared Japan airspace as quickly as he had entered it, now he was flying above Russia. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" He screamed. Apparently he's much dumber than he looks because no one would be able to hear him as he was around 85000 feet above the ground. That and his squeal is probably too high pitched to be picked up by regular humans anyway. _Edward Troll Count: 8._

Somewhere in Afghanistan, a Taliban looked up and saw a twinkle among the stars, moving very fast. His eyes widened and he picked up his Ak-47 and started hollering, which his comrades followed. They started charging after the star, believing it to be the guide to their victory or something. They fell down the stairs to the outside of their compound, picked themselves up and resumed hollering and running after it again. Into a minefield.

* * *

Edward finally got a clue and gave up. He was too jaded to notice that he was slowing down and losing altitude above the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and might drop into it, not that no one wants it to happen but if it did, then he would be spared the living hell coming his way.

He was really starting to fall now, but was again starting to speed up because of gravity. His skin started to smoke from the friction and the air in front of his face started to turn orange, hurtling back towards his house.

* * *

At a random beach, a teen couple sat together. The girl looked up at the sky and saw a shooting star, headed west. She squealed with delighted surprise and started to make a wish. "What did you wish for?" Her boyfriend asked. "I wished you were more like Edward Cullen and that you'd be more supportive of Twilight!" The girl replied.

The boy's faced soured. "Good luck with that, 'cos it ain't happening."

"But why?"

"Edward's a sparkling fag, that's why."

"But sparkling's cool!" The girl whined.

"That's it, I had enough of this Twilight crap. We're breaking up."

"Fine! Edward loves me more than you anyway!" The girl stomped away.

The guy felt like he was released from something, and it made him very happy.

* * *

Edward's face planted into his lawn, blowing a big crater in his flowerbed. He had completed an entire circuit around the world in around 80 seconds. His body walked about, reached for his head but grabbed a flower pot instead. It stuck it on its neck, then smacked it off as it was not a head.

It picked up its real head this time and stuck it back on, Edward spluttering and spitting out his geraniums and daisies. _Edward Troll Count: 9. _He was angry at the guy for making him do this to his own flowers and he stomped his way through the hole in his house.

The first thing he noticed was the smell of cooked beef. His eyes widened and he gritted his teeth with rage. He was saving that piece of meat to eat for himself, raw, naturally. Like a piece of chewing gum if you will, chewing it and sucking out the flavor and then spitting out the chewy pulp.

He saw the green-haired man lounging on the couch, a large beef sandwich in his hands. He walked up and put his hands on his hips and glared as if expecting something from Hazama. "What?" Hazama asked through a mouth full of sandwich.

"That's MY beef!" Edward replied, like an uppity girl who doesn't want to share her toys.

"Didn't see your name on it. Finders, keepers, losers, weepers." _Edward Troll Count: 9._

"It's mine so give it back."

"Make me." _Edward Troll Count: 10._

Edward lunged at Hazama, his hands making a wild grab for the sandwich. Hazama stuck his foot in Edward's face, keeping him at bay. "Want this?" he taunted Edward, waving the sandwich in front of Edward, just out of his reach. "Gimme that back!" Edward whined. _Edward Troll Count: 11._

Hazama looked thoughtful, "Hmm, let me think about it for a li- No." Hazama's face turned dead serious as the last syllable rolled off his tongue, then he swallowed the rest of the sandwich whole. _Edward Troll Count: 12._

This enraged Edward, who made more wild grabs, this time for Hazama's throat. Hazama responded by cutting one of his arms off, then picked it up and used it to bitch-slap Edward. _Edward Troll Count: 13._

"Give that back!" Edward yelled, pointing at his arm. He sounded like a little boy being bullied at the park. _Edward Troll Count: 14._

Hazama responded by backhanding Edward with his own hand. "Stop hitting yourself." _Edward Troll Count: 15._

"I will if you just-" Edward started but was cut off with another slap.

"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking. Oh, and stop hitting yourself." _Edward Troll Count: 16._

"But you fin-" Another backhand.

"Listen to me when I'm talking. And stop hitting yourself, it's disgraceful." _Edward Troll Count: 17._

"But-" Smack.

"Stop hitting yourself." _Edward Troll Count: 18._

Now Hazama didn't even give Edward a chance to talk, repeatedly slapping him with his own arm. "Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself." _Edward Troll Count: 19, 20, 21, 22._

Edward then started to cry, bawling like a baby having its candy stolen. Hazama sighed, folding the fingers on Edward's hand such that it had only its index and middle fingers sticking out and stabbed him in the eyes with it, and went back to watching the Pain Olympics. _Edward Troll Count: 23._

Edward sniffled, pulled his arm out of his eyes and slunk back to his room. He opened the door to his room and was assailed by the stench of dead and rotting meat and urea.

On his bed was a dog, six feet long. It was curled up and snoring peacefully. Edward squealed angrily and tried and failed to throw the dog off his bed. The dog lazily opened three of its six eyes and regarded Edward with a bored expression. "What is it you want? I do not like my naps being interrupted."

Edward would be scared shitless had he been able to shit, what with the really big dog on his bed that seemed to be talking to him through his mind. _Edward Troll Count: 24. _Then he noticed what was causing the stink in his room.

Apparently the oversized canine had taken the liberty of using his entire room as his toilet, with piles of dung lying all over the place as well as large puddles of brownish-yellow piss. His face turned green when he noticed assorted half-rotted limbs sticking out of some of the piles of shit.

"Uh, t-this is my room. I don't think that you should barge in like that." Edward stuttered, trying but failing to mask his fear against the freakish dog in front of him.

"I don't care. Get lost." The dog closed its eyes and let out a big yawn, its rancid breath washing over Edward and making him gag.

"You don't have the right to tell me what to do! You get out!" Edward yelled, trying to assert his non-existent superiority.

The dog responded by opening its mouth again, only this time an arm holding a foot-long hand cannon stuck out and leveled the barrel in Edward's face. "Am I going to have to shoot a bitch? Because there seems to be a bitch in front of me that needs to be shot."

Edward gulped and dashed out of the room. _Edward Troll Count: 25. _The dog resumed its slumber.

Edward headed for the library next. Maybe a good book or two would help calm his nerves and help him think of ways to exact his revenge. Good luck with that, pasty face.

He entered the library, welcomed by the smell of burning paper. He saw the blond vampire that kicked his head round the world lounging in a chair, flipping through the pages of one of Carlisle's medical volumes, clearly engrossed in it.

"Who said you could touch that!" Edward pointed at the book. Dio looked up at him, snorted, and returned to his book.

Edward wasn't having any of this. He lunged at Dio, who suddenly disappeared. He spun around, surprised at the sudden disappearance. He was then smacked across the face with the thick volume. _Edward Troll Count: 26._

"I, Dio, do not like being interrupted when I, Dio, am reading. As to your question, is a library not a room to display one's collection of books and to share the knowledge within them with all who wish to learn?"

Edward scowled, then took notice of what was being burnt. His yaoi manga. "You bastard! How could you burn those works of art?"

"Art? That? Surely you jest. I, Dio, would hardly believe that anyone with any semblance of artistic sense would consider comic books about two men performing indescribable and lewd acts on one another as 'art'. However, they do burn well and provide a rather bright fire to read by."

Edward was beyond words and charged Dio with a squeal of primal rage. Dio smacked him with the book again, this time propelling him out the window and opening another hole in the building. He sat back down and resumed reading as Edward sobbed in his ruined geraniums. _Edward Troll Count: 27._

He felt himself being dragged out of the ground. It was Carlisle, Jasper and Emmet, all of them charred and with only black scraps of clothing covering them. "I think it is time we had a talk with our guests." Carlisle seemed a little peeved. Edward grinned like a little girl who was given a Barbie doll and nodded, his head bobbing up and down at super speed. _Edward Troll Count: 28._

"What brings you here?' Carlisle yelled at Hazama, who was the closest one to them.

"Shut up, I'm trying to watch TV." Hazama spat back.

"Well, it isn't yours."

"Is now. It even has my name on it. See?" Hazama pointed at the side of the television set, sure enough there was 'Hazama' spray painted on with lime green paint.

"Please remove yourself and your friends from the premises immediately. This is private property and you are liable for legal action." Carlisle kept his tone firm.

"And you are liable for fuck you." Hazama spat back, his ass still planted firmly on the couch.

Edward made for Hazama but Carlisle held a hand up in front of him. Edward hissed like an angry kitten but halted his advance. "We don't have to start off like this. What is it you want? If it's reasonable and within my power, I can give it to you in exchange for your departure."

Hazama's eyes brightened a little, and this scared Edward a little. "We want information on a bunch of vamps, called the Vulptui or something. We got a little business with them."

Carlisle's face paled. "You messed with the Volturi? Are you mad?"

Hazama grinned. "No, not yet at least. But we got a little job that involves them… disappearing." Hazama's eyes flashed from under the brim of his hat.

Carlisle looked as if he was about to have a heart attack. "Do you have any idea what you are getting yourself into? I'm telling this for your own good, abort that mission immediately! The Volturi are not to be taken lightly!"

"And I give half a rotting, maggot infested rat's ass. Spit it out if you want me and my friends to leave."

"Then by all means, stay. You have proven yourself rather uncouth guests but you do not deserve the Volturi's wrath." Edward's eyes widened with shock. Sometimes Carlisle was too kind for his own and everyone else's good.

"We're gonna make you eat your words. We want that info and we're gonna get it one way or another. And frankly, I think my boss is one person that anyone would want to mess with even less that these Volturi guys."

"We shall see." Carlisle muttered. "Edward, show them to the guest rooms."

"No need. We all found rooms of our own already and we're sticking with them." Carlisle frowned and sighed, but told Hazama that it was fine as they didn't need to sleep anyway. Edward spluttered and made a goldfish face at Carlisle, who ignored him.

Hazama turned his gaze to Edward. "Hey, Buttercup. Get me a beer, that large, juicy, delicious grade A Black Angus roast beef sandwich made me thirsty." Edward lunged at Hazama again, and Carlisle made no move to stop him this time. _Edward Troll Count: 29. _

Hazama flipped over the back of the couch as Edward blindly grabbed for him. Hazama reached into his coat and pulled out his knives and flipped them around in his hands, the blades glistening brightly as if hungering for blood.

Ed lunged again and Hazama easily saw this coming, sidestepping and bringing the knife down. Edward used his mind-reading ability, but instead of seeing what Hazama intended to do, he only got a bunch of memories of Hazama pissing off various people. Edward dived, but the knife took off his arm.

Edward stuck it back on and lunged again, only for Hazama to split in two and disappear. Edward was surprised at this for the split second the man winked out of existence, but his limited thoughts were interrupted with a steel boot to the chin accompanied by a random laser beam.

"Take a hike, homo." Hazama kicked him straight through the roof. Carlisle started to wonder if it was such a good idea to let these people stay.

"We'll take ya up on your offer then. We'll stick around for a bit but we'll get lost when ya tell us where them Vultury people at. We hope you regret your decision." Hazama smiled his fox smile and headed to the kitchen to get himself that beer.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, and I'm glad I'm making you guys laugh and I hope I will continue to do so in the future. As for adding new characters, I don't like introducing characters I don't have plans for in the fic because it makes it harder to fit them in here and there, and that's not even going to coming up with gags for them. As I mentioned before, I already have a couple of future projects in mind and those will probably not feature any characters I have no plans for. Keep reviewing and thanks again for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4: Edward's Emotional Breakdown

**A/N: This chapter is kinda late because I had exams to do over a couple of weeks, so yeah. This time, the Hellsing dudes will start fucking up the lives of the Twilight people for real, introducing the 'werewolves' some time soon. Also, cameos are going to be kinda frequent.**

* * *

Carlisle was pacing in his room. He was under quite a lot of stress, what with a bunch of crazy people, no, they definitely weren't human, coming in and thrashing their house and blowing them up among other things, all for no apparent reason.

It wasn't helping that they claimed to be on a mission to destroy the Volturi, the overlords of all the 'vampires' in the world. He had warned them of course, but they seemed to be either ignorant of the danger the Volturi posed. No, the green haired one seemed to be quite confident that they were superior, but Carlisle was not sure if they were really able to stand up to the full power of the Volturi. It was also quite odd that they seemed to be picking on Edward the most.

Speaking of Edward, he was making himself comfortable in the garden shed in the event of a seven-foot tall man/eight-foot long dog using his room instead. He did try to take back what was rightfully his, but was chased out with 13-millimeter exploding rounds fired from an eighteen inch long handgun. When he was lucky. He was once chased out personally by the man, who threatened to rip him to pieces, rip said pieces into smaller chunks and then shoot them into even smaller pieces and scatter them into the sea. Needless to say Edward booked it like he never booked before. _Edward Troll Count: 30._

He pulled down his Brokeback Mountain briefs and sat himself in a bright pink armchair which the man/dog was kind enough to return to him. By return, I mean he booted it through the wall while Edward was escaping from one of his earlier efforts to take his room back, effectively knocking both his legs off and allowing Alucard to get a few bullets into his skull. Too bad they weren't able to kill Edward though, seeing as his brain might have been too small a target even for the No Life King. _Edward Troll Count: 31, 32, 33._

He reached out with his mind reading ability to Rosalie's mind. Maybe she was doing the dirty with Emmet now, which would mean free porn for Eddie here. They normally got it on on Thursday afternoons, meaning this afternoon. Edward would then have some fun with himself, with no need to imagine Emmet boning him hard. While he did have Bella, he preferred to take rather than to give, if you catch my drift. _Edward Troll Count: 34._

Mind reading makes for awesome 4D porn, what with him being able to experience it all as well as getting to see it happen in first person view, and the best part is that no one would be able to rat him out.

He drooled with anticipation at his weekly fix, and soon he got what he was looking for. He moaned with Rosalie as her pussy was licked. Then he noticed something odd. This was far from the first time he intruded on Emmet's and Rosalie's privacy so he felt that something was off. Emmet was more aggressive while this was more delicate.

He looked through Rosalie's eyes and would have had a heart attack if his heart was still beating. The person who was in bed with Rosalie was none other than Bella, his Bella! He stumbled out of the shed, forgetting to pull his pants back on. This caused him to trip and fall into a pile of organic fertilizer, otherwise known as cow shit. _Edward Troll Count: 34, 35._

He got up, pulled his pants on, and took his fifteenth bath of the day before making for Rosalie's room.

* * *

A little girl walking alongside her mother at Port Angeles' shopping district pointed at a shady looking man. "Mommy, why is that man wearing a hoodie under his jacket in the middle of summer? Isn't it really hot already?"

"Shush sweetie. You shouldn't talk about people like that. Stop pointing, I don't like the way he's looking at us." The mother hurried her daughter along, who looked back. The man was gone.

The hooded man was on the top of a residential building, size 12 shoe prints embedded in the wall from the fifth story up. The man looked at the girl, his eyes misting up a little. The girl's curiosity and energy reminded him of his own sister, Dana, who was currently comatose. His wistful expression turned to one of pure rage.

He remembered her words as he carried her to Ragland from the Core Hive in New York. She was mumbling as if she was dreaming, but her dream was a nightmare. Her pleas of mercy towards Greene, to spare her from reading and watching this abomination known as Twilight, and the resulting mental trauma had caused her to go comatose.

Having dealt with the Infection in the Big Apple, Alex now set his sights on the one that made his sister so; Edward fucking Cullen. He made a running start to the edge of the building and jumped, leaping a good five stories up as he sailed over the city. He spread his arms and legs out and shifted a thin membrane between his wrists and ankles, acting as wings of sorts and allowing him to glide a good distance.

He touched down in a back alley and walked out towards a mall, seeking out prey. He spotted a girl, around 14 and with a stupid smile plastered across her face. She was dressed in too-bright colors and a skirt made with so little material she might as well have gone out in her panties had she even remembered to put them on. He sneaked up behind her, and when he was sure no one was looking, he snapped her neck while cupping her mouth with a hand to muffle her scream.

Tendrils snaked out from him back and attached themselves to the body, decomposing the flesh where it touched and sucking it into his own body. When he was done, he searched her mind. Most of it was unsurprisingly empty, filled with Edward this, Jacob that and some random kid called beaver or something. He looked more closely and found out where the abomination known as Cullen was at, and took off.

* * *

Edward stumbled everywhere, his mind a haze after what he saw. His Bella! His girlfriend was making out with his sister, the sister who hated her guts with a passion before those, those monsters invaded! He managed to make it to the big hole that was caused by the Mustang in the previous chapter, but missed it, making another Edward shaped hole next to it.

He stumbled past the TV, before which sat Hazama, who was channel surfing. As Edward passed, Hazama's inner troll instincts took over, reflexively sticking his leg out and tripping Edward who landed smack on his face. Edward didn't bother trying to come up with a pitiful comeback or even protest, he just started crawling towards the stairs, the shock robbing him of advanced motor control. How he even had that in the first place is one of the many mysteries of this universe. _Edward Troll Count: 36, 37._

As he reached the stairwell, Dio's foot came down on his face. "Hmm? What's this? I, Dio, was not aware that there was a turd next to the stairwell. Did I miss it on my way to the library?" Edward spluttered and tried to crawl up the stairs but Dio saw fit to keep his boot on his face. The sheer sadness, the pitifulness of the thing before him was somewhat amusing. _Edward Troll Count: 38._

"What's going on here? Sparkles ain't talking back to me? That's new." Hazama sauntered over, apparently curious as to why the normally annoyingly hyperactive and arrogant stuck-up sonovabitch was acting like a drunk hobo begging for someone's shit to eat because no one had any change to give him for food. Wait, scratch that. Comparing Edward to hobos is an insult to the hobos. I sincerely apologize.

Dio shrugged and kicked him across the room, smashing him into the TV. "Meh, there wasn't anything good on anyway." Hazama muttered dismissively. Edward came crawling back, his eyes glazed over and his mouth gaping. Dio let him pass this time because he was curious as to what the thing was after in this state.

He crawled up the stairs and to his sister's door, behind which could be heard the sounds of passionate slut-on-freak of nature love making. Alucard walked by. "What's with him now?"

Both his colleagues shrugged. Alucard pulled out Jackal and blasted Eddies' leg off. (S)he did not bother and carried on clawing at the door. The door slammed open, making another Edward-shaped hole, this time on the door. Rosalie did not bother covering herself and demanded who the hell was making such a racket during her fun time.

Edward gaped at her, his mouth opening and closing and intelligible slurs coming out. Rosalie kicked him in the face and slammed the door shut. Ed crawled under the new hole in the door. The Hellsing operatives tried to hold in their laughter.

Edward dragged himself along the carpeted floor, his miniscule mind still trying to process the information that his girlfriend ditched him for his sister and was currently doing the hoo-hah with her. When he got to the bed, he finally found his tongue.

"B-Bella, wh-why? M-me, love? Why R-Rosalie?"

"You never wanted to do anything with me! Only stare at me when I was sleeping like some sick stalker! I wanted to 'that' with you, but you were too damn pussy!" Bella hugged closer to Rosalie, who patted her head while glaring at Edward. _Edward troll Count: 39, 40._

Edward was back to slurring, but found his voice quicker this time. "B-but I… no condom?" Bella just stared at Edward. "Was that the best excuse you could come up with? No condom? I was willing to have your kid for Chrissake! We were going to get married! I'm dumping you! Rosie cares more about me than you ever did! We're through!" Edward spluttered and then started to cry, bawling like a two-year old who got his candy stolen.

Hysterical laughter could be heard from outside the room, but the drama was so thick inside the room that its occupants were oblivious. Edward, resigned to his position as butt monkey, slunk out of the room while the other two went back to having their 'fun time'.

"Man, that was epic! I mean, losing your girlfriend is one thing, but losing her to a WOMAN? Your sister no less! You really suck! Then again, you're such a pansy that she was probably gay from the start anyway." Hazama saw fit to rub it even deeper into Edward's face, who just whimpered. _Edward Troll Count: 41, 42, 43_

"I, Dio, have to agree with him. I have never before encountered a man, if that could even be applied to you, who lost his woman to another woman. Sad does not even begin to describe you. Rather, hilarious or just outright comedy would be closer to the truth." Edward curled up into a fetal position and started sucking his thumb. _Edward Troll Count: 44._

Alucard just laughed, and with every second his laughter grew louder. Having no need to breaths helped a lot in mocking Eddie as he could just keep on laughing for as long as he liked. Soon enough, the others joined him in the laughter. Edward suddenly got up and ran out the wall, making yet another Edward-shaped hole near the big hole in the wall. _Edward Troll Count: 45, 46, 47._

Carlisle walked out of his room and surveyed the aftermath of the situation, and walked back into his room. He walked out again and passed out. Hazama sighed and walked to the kitchen while Dio returned to the library. Alucard stayed behind and watched the two females on the bed, grinning his Cheshire grin.

* * *

**A/N: This chapter started out strong, but I feel that I kinda lost it at the end. Also, you may have noticed that the Edward Troll Count is now only at the end of the paragraphs, the reason is that I find it a little distracting to have italics coming in every half sentence. Also, I'm thinking of having a cameo every chapter for added troll, so let me know in the reviews who ought to make an appearance. As shown in the chapter, next one will feature Alex, who will learn a thing or two from Dio. Keep reading guys.**


	5. Chapter 5: Alex and the Big Bad Wolf

**A/N: I was really busy for the past few weeks, what with exams and checking papers and shit. The good news is I advanced, the bad news is I have to sit through another year of studying like a dog. Anyway, this time Alex Mercer from Prototype makes an appearance and Edward decides to make a deal with the 'werewolves'.**

* * *

Edward had crawled back into his shed and was currently suffering from a nervous breakdown of epic proportions, what with having his girlfriend and most beloved person being stolen away by his _sister_. Their visitors didn't help much either, mocking and laughing at him as he fell apart. In other words, everyone else rejoiced. _Edward Troll Count: 47._

He crawled into his pink armchair and wept till his eyes fell out and his entire respiratory tract hung out his nose. He shoved them all where they should have been and carried on, repeating the process every half hour or so. After finally deciding that he should man up a little, he started to snivel instead of bawl and took baby steps into his house.

He walked in through the closest hole in the wall and took stock of the interior. His house, once the very picture of fashionable and high end living, was now a total mess. The floor was littered with debris, splinters, broken glass and decorated with scorch marks. One of the staircases had bits of car embedded in it, including half of the chassis and rendering it useless. The other one was still functional, but was also badly damaged. The large television that dominated the right side of the room was smashed.

Despite this, the inhabitants still went about their daily business. The green haired one known as Hazama seemed to be playing a trick of some sort on Emmet, who had laid a large wad of cash on the table. Knowing the green haired man, the money was soon going to change hands.

The blond one whose name was Dio was sitting on the couch; its calfskin finish was ruined by the broken glass. He was reading a book, no doubt taken from Carlisle's library, who for some reason didn't seem to mind. The red one wasn't anywhere to be seen, presumably still using his room and fucking it up even more.

Edward inhaled his mucus loudly, wiped his tears and walked up to Carlisle. "Why aren't you chasing them out? They're completely ruining out lives! They blew a large hole in the house, destroyed our living room, plundered from your library, stole my room, humiliated me time and time again and turned Bella, my girlfriend, into Rosalie's bed buddy!" _Edward Troll Count: 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53._

"Edward! How could you be so selfish! They want to go up against the Volturi! It matters not what happens to us, we must deter them from ever having to face up against the terror of the rulers of all vampires! We have too much to spend in the bank anyway and I felt it was high time for renovations."

"It would be better if they did go up against them and die." Edward grumbled.

"That's enough out of you. Go back to your room." Carlisle sighed in an exasperated manner.

"But one of them took my room!" Edward seemed on the edge of tears again.

"Then go back to whatever serves as your room for the time being. I have to make a call to the renovators." Carlisle turned and reached for the phone and tried dialing, but realized that the phone line had been destroyed in the explosion during Chapter 2 and used his cell phone instead. _Edward Troll Count: 54._

Edward humphed like the spoiled, bitchy high school blonde cheerleader stereotype and stomped off to his shed. On the way, he actually tried using his brain for once. However, to use an analogy concerning computer operating systems, where everyone else was running on at least a Windows XP, he was using the operating system of a blender.

After thinking about it for a couple of hours, he decided to swallow his now non-existent pride and get help from the Quilette pack. He was about to set off to find them when he heard a cry of primal rage. "!"

"!" Edward shat a ton of bricks at that particular moment.

The other inhabitants of the wreck of a house emerged, curious to see what was going on and saw Edward getting mauled by a hooded man in a stylish jacket. The man's hands were completely disproportionate to his body, being at least a few hundred times larger than a regular human's, and judging by the tremors that shook the ground every time one of the fists met Eddie's face, many scores heavier as well.

Edward's cries could not be heard over the cries of pure anger and the slamming of those wrecking balls with fingers but the Hellsing operatives were applauding and cheering the newcomer on anyway. When he was done, Edward's upper body was just a pile of sand on the ground. Sadly, his species of bloodsucking fairies had no gore to speak of because Stephanie Meyer wanted her little Mary Sue story to be rated T. _Edward Troll Count: 55._

"Whoa, that is some hate you got for Sparkles there! Not that that's a bad thing, hell, it shows that you're sane! But seriously, what made you do that to him?" Hazama asked, his smile genuine for once.

"He made my sister comatose. I don't know when she will wake. The good doctor I left her with has no cure for her… problem yet, so I came to pay back the favor." Eddie's little fragments pulled themselves together, but his face was arranged wrong as his eyes were under his nose which was beside his mouth and left ear while his right was sitting on the top oh his head. He was holding a rather large rock above his head and seemed quite intent on assailing his assailant.

Alex turned his right hand into a large blade and lopped off his arms while Alucard pulled out his twin hand cannons and blew his legs off. Dio summoned his Stand which proceeded to punch Eddie in the jewels, then the gut, both punches going clean through his body, while Hazama knifed his face, the result being a 30-hit tag team combo. Without support, the large rock Ed was carrying dropped and landed on his body, turning him into an Edcake, which is short for Edward pancake. The four men fist bumped each other while Edward groaned. _Edward Troll Count: 56, 57, 58, 59, 60._

"Who are you anyway, haven't seen you around before." Hazama began.

"I'm Alex Mercer, or at least this is his body. The real Alex is dead, but I just use his name for lack of a better one." Alex replied. The other men responded with a skeptical look while Hazama looked at his colleagues and twirled his finger around his temple. "It's a long story." Alex muttered.

"Anyway, I guess we aren't in any place to question anybody's sanity," Hazama admitted with a bit of a sheepish smile. He introduced himself and his colleagues and started to explain their purpose. "Ya see, we're here not because we want to be, but because the people in that wreck," Hazama hooked a thumb over his shoulder, referring to the Cullen residence, "know something that we want to know and they don't wanna spit it out. So we're just hanging around and bugging them till they give up and tell us."

"I could help you with that. My… abilities allow me to consume the bodies and the memories of my prey. I can take one of them and tell you what you need to know." The newcomer offered.

"We appreciate the sentiment, but I do believe that having one of… them swimming around in your mind for the rest of eternity would be… rather undesirable, would it not?" Dio mused.

"Besides, it's more fun this way. And we get to torture that one over there more." Alucard's eyes flashed with mad glee as the Edcake finally slipped out from under the rock and scurried away, first to put itself back together and to call for reinforcements.

"The offer stands, regardless. Just tell me if you change your minds. But there seems to be another one who turned my sister so… Jake or something. My wrath will not be sated until he gets what's coming to him." As he muttered the last sentence, his arms suddenly rippled and their muscles suddenly expanded to several times their normal size, his fingers flexing for something to crush.

"Stick around then. It's not like you're in any real rush right? 'Sides, Sparkles' gone, maybe he'll lead the guy right to you. And how'd you know that Sparkles lives here anyway?"

"I found a girl who was spacing out. Seeing as she was dressed 'fashionably', meaning she looked like an underage hooker, I guessed she was one of the fangirls." Alex responded.

"Perhaps she knew where our… targets are located?" Dio asked.

"No. Her miniscule mind was filled with those two." Alex spat out the last two words which clearly referred to his targets. "I'm surprised the little slut even remembered the address. Actually, scratch that. She probably forced her underdeveloped brain to remember that information so that she may one day get 'lost' in the woods and have Eddie find her." By the end of the sentence, his voice was slathered with sarcasm.

"Speaking of which, what are your powers exactly? You say that they allow you to absorb another's body mass and memories, but I see that it allows you to turn your body into all manner of weapons." Alucard's gaze was fixated on Alex's arms which had changed into large claws that would make Wolverine cry somewhere along the conversation.

"I can manipulate my genetic make-up, allowing me to turn my body into weapons. Blades, claws, bludgeons, the works. However, that means I have to consume biomass from animals to sustain myself and the transformations."

"Hmm… I, Dio, would like to pass on a little… trick you can do with that power, with your permission." Alex cocked an eyebrow at this, but seemed curious so Dio took this as a prompt to spill it.

"Try pressurizing the… fluid in your eyeballs as much as you can." Alex seemed to focus for a few seconds, and then his eyes exploded, splattering the men with gore. Dio waited for them to grow back before continuing.

"Find a target first. That large rock should do quite nicely. Now, pressurize the fluid in your eyeballs. When you feel that your eyes are about to… rupture, open a little hole in your pupils and admire the results."

Alex did as instructed, but took a few tries to find the right pressure, sometimes his eyes exploded again, other times the fluid flowed squirted a couple of meters short of the rock, but he finally got it down. When he did, the rock split in two from the pressure, garnering a smile of satisfaction from the hooded man.

"This ability relies on the concept of water pressure. Water is quite… dense; a meter cube of it actually weighs a ton. When water is pressurized enough, a jet can slice through metal that is several centimeters thick." Dio explained.

"Thanks, I'll put this to real good use." Alex replied with a sadistic smile, which the other men shared.

Ed had finally managed to rearrange his face into something presentable. He was now heading into wolf territory and the smell of wet dog was starting to clog his nostrils, but he persevered.

He needed to find Bella's little pet. They hated each others' guts but when it came to Bella, they could put aside their differences. He was banking on that to get help from the wolves, and he was also going to distort some of the facts to make things easier. He knocked on Jacob's door and waited for him to answer.

* * *

Jacob walked to the door and peeped through the eyehole. When he saw that it was Ed the leech, he smirked smugly for being a mechanic and thinking of his brilliant idea to make his door swing both ways and then reinforcing it with steel, then he pushed open the door. Hard.

The door crunched into Ed's jaw, smashing it for the third time in half an hour. Edward tumbled backwards and moaned in pain as his jaw started to reset itself in the wrong position, making Edward cry out more in pain as he dislocated and relocated it in the right manner. _Edward Troll Count: 61._

Jacob was big and buff but looked stupid on account on wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. He looked down on him and smirked. "Oops, sorry, bloodsucker. I thought you were a door-to-door salesman, that's what I designed this door for. Like it?"

Edward made to retaliate, then forced himself to calm down. "Can it, mongrel. I need your help on something. It's about Bella." Jacob's smug smirk disappeared. "Down to the beach." His tone was all business.

Edward explained all that happened, but tweaking it a little. The closer a lie is to the truth, the more believable it is as there is less of the cover story to contradict. "So lemme get this straight… a bunch of people turned up at your place, wrecked it and turned Bella into Rosalie's sex slave?"

"That's the gist of it. So are you gonna help me or what?"

"I will, but the pack won't. To them, anything that fucks up the lives of you leeches is a good thing, but they did something to Bella and that's personal."

* * *

"Alright, look. We just wanna know where the damn Vultures or whatever they're called are so we can pay 'em a little visit. Sure, the visit is gonna end up with the room getting a thorough but patchy paint job with the primary color being red, but this doesn't have to involve you. Just tell us where they're at, and we'll leave you alone." Hazama was trying to negotiate with Carlisle, but the man wouldn't budge. He seems thoroughly convinced that the Volturi could and would pound their group into paste and was too much of a pacifist to let them go to their 'certain' doom.

"YOUR TIME HAS COME, INTRUDERS!" Edward barged in the front door, which was flanked on either side by rather large holes in the wall. Following him was a big man in little clothing. He was looking around the building, shocked to silence at the extent of the damage. "What's this? Sparkles here brought a little friend! Hey Alex, this the guy you been looking for?" Alex looked, scowled and launched himself at the streaker. "Take that as a yes." Hazama muttered, watching the scene unfold below him.

Jacob rolled out of the way just as Alex hit the ground, creating a crater in the expensive Italian marble tiles, his face contorted with rage that could only be sated with the fresh blood of the offender. Jacob backed up a little before settling into a more aggressive stance.

Alex launched himself at Jacob again, his hands turning to claws. Jacob dived out of the way and made to punch his adversary, who ducked and slashed. Jacob twisted out of the way but still got nicked on his bicep. "Alright, no more games!" Jacob jumped at Alex, shifting into his dog form.

"Hey, Rover! The local hound pound called, they said they're missing a Chihuahua!" Hazama called from his vantage point. Jacob snarled at Hazama and nearly got decapitated by Alex, who had taken to using his blade arm, trading some speed for much increased range.

Jacob could only dodge, the monster before him was too good. He was biding his time for a counterattack, maybe if he bit his head off, the fight would be his. He was in the middle of forming his next thought when he was interrupted by really loud gunfire.

"SHUT UP! What in the high holy hell is going on here? I'm trying to get some damn sleep and you idiots are making such a goddamn racket!" Alucard seemed to be smoking along with his twin hand cannons, apparently very pissed off.

Alucard's expression turned to one of surprise, then glee. "Oh? A werewolf? I thought they were extinct, what with Captain Hans Gusche kicking the bucket. Oh well, I hate werewolves, so might as well join in. You don't mind, do you Alex?" Alex replied with an indifferent grunt. "As long as his death isn't quick." Alucard whistled happily and jumped down.

"Oi, Sparkles. Get me a coke. This looks like it's gonna be a hell of a show." Hazama ordered.

"Get it yourself." Ed decided to show a little backbone for once. His tough front was shattered when he nearly pissed himself when one of Hazama's knives embedded itself in the wall next to his head. _Edward Troll Count: 62_

"I don't like to repeat myself, but a coke is hanging in the balance. Go get it before I repeat my action with the knife, tu comprende?"

Edward nodded vigorously and set off for the kitchen, careful to stay clear of bullets, claws, fangs and blades. He returned with two cokes, one for himself as well as Hazama's. Hazama took both. "Hey! That's mine!" _Edward Troll Count: 63_

"I got thirstier, so shut up." _Edward Troll Count: 64_

Hazama cracked one, took a sip and spat it out in Edward's face. "What the fuck? This is diet! And it's warm! You are gonna PAY for this!" Edward backed away from Hazama, who looked like he was about to kill because of getting a warm diet coke. "Uh, doesn't this strike you as a little unfair, I mean, it's just a coke right? Come on, I-I'll get you a new one, all right? And I'll chill it too, like, 'til it's frozen! To absolute zero! How about that? Absolute zero coke! And it won't be diet or Coke Zero either, just regular coke!" Hazama answered by decapitating Edward, cramming both cans into his mouth and shoving his head into his now headless body's ass. He then proceeded to dump a whole tube of Mentos down his gullet, shook him up and punted him through the roof. The resulting fireworks were both gruesome and spectacular at the same time. _Edward Troll Count: 65, 66, 67, 68, 69._

The fight below continued on until bits of Edward fell down like sparkly, coke froth covered snow. Alex and Alucard scowled deeply. "Great. Covered in sparkly coke froth covered pansy. Now I don't feel like killing anything." Alex muttered. Alucard nodded in agreement. _Edward Troll Count: 70_

Jacob knew that this was his chance, but he had lost a lot of blood and one of his front legs was nearly severed, hanging by a few scraps of skin and muscle. This would take a couple of months to heal. Just then, Bella and Rosalie emerged from their bedroom, both butt naked. "What in the holy flying mother of fuck is going on? I can't enjoy Bella licking my cunt with all this noise!"

Jacob shifted back, cradling his crippled arm. "So you really swung that way, huh? Don't worry, Bella. I'll kill the people that did this to you."

"Kill them? What for? They helped me realize that Edward isn't committed to our relationship and is a big fucking ninny coward with no balls and fewer brains! And as for why I wouldn't go with you instead is I'd probably get killed by your pack. Nothing personal." _Edward Troll Count: 71, 72._

"Wait. So no one did this to you, you went to the dumb blonde because you wanted to?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

Edward's head landed right in front of Jacob. He was smiling sheepishly. "Uh, they screwed with her memories too?"

Jacob turned into a wolf and started chasing after Eddie, who was rolling around on the floor in a bid to escape. Such was his terror that he actually managed to keep up with a big ass dog despite having no limbs and only facial muscles for movement. _Edward Troll Count: 73._

Alex looked at this and laughed. "My job here's done. Seeing the two people I hate most try to kill each other is reward enough for me, and even if they don't kill each other, I think I can trust you guys to finish the job."

"We ain't gonna kill them anytime soon. They haven't suffered enough yet."

"I, Dio, just hope that you would not forget our original objective in this… excursion."

"Might as well have some fun while we're here, right? The head honcho's pretty stubborn, but he'll wear down soon. I'm sure of it."

Alucard pulled out his guns and started shooting at Jacob and Edward again. "Yes, this is so very enjoyable." His grin grew wider with every shot. The four men started to laugh sadistically as the wolf and the head escaped the hail of lead.

"Eddie, I think we should call a truce for now. These guys need to go." Jacob said while under a few bushes, which were getting whittled down by the large caliber bullets. "I think so too. Now can we get the hell out of here before we turn to Swiss cheese?"

* * *

**Sorry this chapter took so damn long to put up. I was really busy the past month, what with exams and then a week long trip to Japan. Well, I hope you like the idea of a cameo every chapter. If you do, tell me who else you want to make an appearance. If you don't, let me know and I'll stop. I see this will end probably somewhere between chapter 8 to 10, seeing I want to deal with every last Volturi. Please review this and tell me if you want to up the crazy in this.**


	6. Chapter 6: The Merc With The Mouth

**A/N: Seeing as the last chapter took fucking millennia to get done, I thought I'd start on this one a little earlier. In this chapter, the cameo appearance will be done by- **"HEY! Outta the way chink, I've got a real busy schedule, and you just HAD to make it even more packed by throwing me into this… HEY! LISTEN TO ME TALK HERE!"**- sorry for the interruption. By now you should have guessed who's the next in line to troll Eddie. **"What, wait! Troll Edward Cullen! My schedule just opened up! Nice to meet ya all, Twilight haters! I'm Deadpool and-"** Yeah, that's enough outta you. Anyway, for those who play Blazblue on Xbox Live, add me as a friend. My gamertag is Durka durk derk and I look forward to some matches online. And if someone can spare 240 Microsoft points for all the Unlimited Characters, I would forever be in your debt. On to trollage.**

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A masked man clad in a red and black skintight suit with a pair of katanas strapped to his back and two large handguns on hip holsters fell down from open sky into the forest of the Olympian Ridge. Not the ancient Greek ones, the modern American one, the one which is the setting for Edward's living nightmare. "Goddamit! HEY WRITER GUY! Can't you make my entrance a little smoother! God, I hate this. It's bad enough that the writer guy isn't doing this in comic form because he can't fucking draw! Man, I hate written media, for now I am separated with my one true love; the little boxes where my thoughts appear in… Instead I have to deal with these FUCKING inverted commas! God I hate them. They have no volume, no presence, and they just float there! They just buzz around my dialogue and FLOAT THERE! Well, at least I can vent on that idiot Edward Cullen." Done ranting, Deadpool started skipping toward the Cullen household while humming a cheery tune and sharpening his katanas.

* * *

"Alright, you got the plan down?" Jacob whispered to Ed as they were hiding in a few bushes. Edward nodded. "First we knock the green guy upside the head with this spiked mace, then we torch the blond one and finally throw these Molotovs into my room." Edward sniffled at the last three words. He liked his room, but he had to do it because Alucard had taken residence there and totally ruined it.

"And then we cut off the wolf guy's tail so he can't transform anymore and sneak dynamite into the sparkling gay guy's sandwich, right?" The other two nodded and Ed reached to pick up the mace as Hazama was walking past. Then Edward noticed something was off. "Wait, we don't have anything to cut off the wolf guy's tail or any dynamite to sneak into the sparkly guy's sandwich!"

"Don't worry, I've got you covered." They turned towards the newcomer, who produced a stick of dynamite and unsheathed one of the two katanas strapped to his back. "Thanks a bun- WAIT! Who are you?" Ed and Jake jumped backwards and out of the bushes and luckily for them, Hazama already disappeared. "Shit! He's gone! Alright, who are you?" Jacob demanded.

"Jeez, that's the first thing ya start talking about? COME ON! Aren't there a few things tacked on to your little plan that are particularly glaring? And to answer your question, I'm Deadpool."

"I'm pretty sure that the dynamite was supposed to be Semtex…" Eddie muttered to Jacob.

"You know what, never mind. I'll just spell it out for ya. The sparkly gay guy is Edward Cullen, and the wolf guy is Jacob African American. Now do ya get it?" (No offence to any and all black readers out there. Or any black people for that matter. So please don't drive by my house?)

"There's another Edward Cullen and Jacob Black in this area? Oh my god, I wonder if he's as good looking as me!" Edward squealed. Jacob smacked him on the back of his head. "He's referring to us, dumbass!" Edward rubbed his head and sniffed. _Edward Troll Count: 74._

"Well, at least one of you has a working brain. Now, Sparkly, open up so I can feed you this nice stick of salami…" Edward opened his trap. Jacob pulled out his iPhone and thumbed the facepalm app before snatching the dynamite out of Deadpool's hand. "Hey, don't hog the salami!"

"It's not salami, it's dynamite! Look, he even lit the fuse already!" Jacob showed Edward the lit fuse. Edward's eyes dilated as he stared at the sparking fuse. "Ooh, shiny…" Jacob made to turn to the newcomer, only to realize that he was gone. He looked back at the dynamite and swallowed hard.

Hazama looked back and found a large cloud of smoke where there used to be a section of forest. He pondered this for a moment but shrugged it off, thinking either Dio or Alucard had something to do with Eddie. He waltzed into the house through a large hole by the door to find Dio reading another book. "Hey, did ya see the fireworks?" Hazama started.

"Oh, yes. But it was not very well appreciated for I, Dio, was reading. And explosions have this… tendency to shock any person not prepared for it."

"Well, don't blame me. It was probably Alucard."

"It was not him. He's in his room doing… whatever he does in his room. That would leave only you."

"It wasn't me. Maybe your pal Alex decided to leave them with a little parting gift."

"Hey, nice joint. Well, it would be if there wasn't bits of car here and there, and the TV wasn't ruined, and the couch wasn't shredded by bits of glass, and those holes in the walls need a little patching. By the way, I seem to have dropped one of my swords. Have you seen it around? Its name is Betty." A person wearing a skintight suit and a mask walked in the front door, which was blown off its hinges.

"Who the fuck are you? And no, I didn't see any swords named Betty lying around." Hazama replied.

"Well, there isn't any need to be so rude right? Because the next time you try that, Bob here, my other sword, will be very cordially introduced to your insides. Ya got that? Also, if you happen to survive that and still wanna show me attitude, I got an exploding pineapple with your name on it. Oh, and I'm Deadpool. Hi."

Hazama was not sure how to react. Should he be confused at the newcomer's inconsistent attitude, or pissed off at his comeback? He was somewhere in between, but he also did feel a glimmer of respect for the troll hidden within his apparent insanity.

"Alright, I'll back down, Deadpool, was it?"

"That's better. Hold on a sec… HEY, AUTHOR! You sure you aren't making this guy outta character? I mean the first thing he said to me was obviously meant to piss me off, and now he's playing nice? What is he, schizo?"

"**As if you're one to talk."** A voice from the heavens resounded. Hazama and Dio looked at each other in shock. Deadpool however seemed quite used to this treatment. "Yeah, yeah. So I got issues in my head. Big deal. So, is Edward dead already? Because if he is, then I got more shit to do."

"**No. For plot and amusement purposes, with emphasis on the latter, he will be staying alive for much longer. And you will not be the one to kill him. But if you want to watch it happen, I have front row tickets."**

"Really? Cool! Now, do you suppose I can get Betty back? Bob's lonely without her." As soon as he finished the sentence, a katana identical to the other one strapped to his back appeared in front of him, shocking the other two occupants of the room.

"What was that voice? And what devilry has allowed your weapon to… materialize in front of us?" Dio asked, astounded.

"Oh, the big boomy voice from the sky? That was the author of this here work, a fanfic. Basically, he's just some random fanboy who just happens to like you guys as characters from your specific universes and made you team up despite the apparent impossibilities of it happening. Also, he's the closest thing we've got to a god here. Anything he says, goes. He's also more friendly than most authors, they just ignore me most of the time." Deadpool explained while hugging Betty before sheathing the weapon.

"You understand what this guy's saying?" Hazama asked Dio, who shook his head.

"Well, since I'm here, I might as well make myself at home." Deadpool started humming while walking to the kitchen. Elsewhere, a plot was forming.

* * *

Deep in the catacombs of the castle of Volterra, three figures in black robes started to talk, Well, two of them anyway. "This has gone on long enough! We must eliminate the Cullens! They have too many talented individuals on their side!"

"Oh, Caius, there's no need for such drastic measures. They said so themselves; they are peaceful. They won't harm humans and that we can trust them to keep vampires a secret."

"And we all know how well that went, Aro. A couple of months ago Eddie stopped by with a death wish, and then his little HUMAN girlfriend had to come and save his sorry ass. If you hadn't interfered, they'd all be dead, gone, disappeared, six feet under, pushing up daisies, knocking on the Pearly Gates, you get the general idea."

"True, true. What have you to say, Marcus?" The third was busy slitting his wrist with his iKnife, a new product designed for emos, by emos. It was basically an MP3 with a blade on the end with all the emo music ever produced on its hard drive. 'Crawling' could be heard blasting from his headphones.

"Right. Since we can't come to a consensus, what say we settle for a bit of a compromise instead, brothers? I propose we send a scouting team to check in on them, and if they are getting loose, we go in and kill the lot." Aro suggested.

"Fine." Caius growled. "Marcus?" Marcus kept trying to slit his wrist. "Silence means consent. Dmitri! Felix!" Two large figures in grey robes appeared before the trio and kneeled. "Yes my lords, what is your bidding?" The two asked in unison.

"You two go down to the Cullens'. Pay them a little house visit and report back on the situation. Do not engage, we will decide what to do when you give us the report."

"Your will be done." With that, the two disappeared.

* * *

"And then, I pushed the little slice of arm where it's supposed to be and reattached the rest of my limb, and BLAM! The roof of the facility fell down on my head! Luckily, the writer of the show loved me too much to let me go through another dismemberment and I miraculously managed to find a crevice large enough for my whole body."

"Do you ever shut up?" Hazama asked, getting a little irate at the newcomer's motor mouth.

"No. What's it to ya? Wanna go, huh? C'mon, put 'em up!" Deadpool settled into a boxing stance and jabbed at the air. Hazama just sighed. "I wish there was something else to occupy his attention." Just then, a whole bunch of horse-sized dogs bounded into the room. "Nice."

"Oooh, puppies! Bob and Betty wanna pet them!" Deadpool cried out while unsheathing his twin katanas. "It's cutting time! La, lala la la!" He was singing while making dog sashimi, something that amused the freeloaders. The dogs on the other hand were not seeing the joke. In their hive mind, things were going something like this; _Shit! This guy isn't even taking this seriously! Agh, my penis! He cut that off on purpose! Jacob, you didn't mention anything about a nutcase with swords! _

Edward was hiding somewhere in the bushes. He had originally planned with the Quilettes to attack from behind while they provided a distraction, but after seeing the entire pack getting their asses handed to them on a silver platter with a complimentary helping of mocking, he knew that the plan had epic failed. So he was being a total, complete and utter spineless, chickenshit coward with no testicles. _Edward Troll Count: 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80._

"WOO HOO! I hear bullets taste just like chicken! BANG! BANG BANG BANG! BANG BANG BANG BANG!" He yelled as he sheathed his swords and started spraying the dogs with his automatic handguns. "Hey! John and Jenny wanna see some blood here!" Hazama facepalmed as he realized that he was talking about his guns.

The pack of dogs made a hasty retreat with their tails between their legs. At least the one that was relieved of having a Father's Day did. Deadpool twirled the guns and shoved them back in their holsters Wild Wild West style and turned toward Dio and Hazama. "What?"

"You named your guns John and Jenny." Hazama muttered it as a statement rather than a question.

"Well, I actually planned only to name my katanas, then they got jealous and started yelling at me about how it's not fair that Ben and Betty got names and they didn't."

Alucard's head appeared upside down on the ceiling, startling Deadpool. "Aaah! Mommy, a ghost!" Deadpool yelped and dove behind the couch. The rest of Alucard phased through the ceiling, turned right side up, and settled on the floor. Alucard looked at his colleagues, who just sighed and shrugged. "For the record, I am not a ghost but a vampire, so watch your mouth on the subject."

'Oh yeah, ghosty? I think Bob and Betty wanna have a word with your insides." Deadpool suddenly turned aggressive, garnering another questioning look from Alucard, which was met with the same reaction from Hazama and Dio.

Alucard drew his twin hand cannons, making Deadpool widen his eyes, or at least the mirrored eyeholes on his mask did. "That is some serious heat you're packing there, but John and Jenny do love a challenge." He flipped out his own guns, spun them around to show off and aimed them at Alucard.

They stared at each other for a second or so, but was interrupted with Hazama yelling at them to get on with it. Alucard smirked and they both opened fire. Instead of sparking fireworks in mid-air that everyone was expecting as they expected the two to shoot each others bullets, the both of them exploded into bloody ribbons.

Deadpool's right arm twitched, then pulled itself toward the largest part of its torso and reattached itself. After which, it started pulling itself to other bits of its body and reassembled itself piece by piece, much to the amusement of his onlookers. Alucard's head saw this and started to laugh.

"Interesting… We must continue this battle till one of us falls!" Alucard pulled himself together with a dramatic whoosh of blood and flesh, much to the chagrin of Deadpool who just finished sticking his left pinky back on. "Hey, no fair! You get to just whoosh yourself back together and I have to do it piece by piece! Hey author, I call bullshit on this! I want this fight to be balanced out!"

A couple of grey-robed figures stepped through an opening in the wall. "All right, Cullens. We're here from the Volturi. We need to stay here for a little, observe what's going on, make sure you don't reveal our existence to the mortal world."

Hazama registered this information, shared an evil smile with his colleagues before putting on his cool face and going out to greet the guests. Deadpool looked at the other men and started to scratch his scalp under his mask. "Uh, anyone mind filling me in on what's going on here? Anybody? I'm kinda lost here! Author guy?"

"**Plot. Just plot."**

"Oh, okay. I thought it was something important."

"Who are you?" One of the newcomers asked as Hazama approached. "Just one of the Cullens' acquaintances." He had on his classic grin, eyes shut, smile seemingly friendly. The two newcomers seemed to register this. "You know what happened to cause all this damage to their residence?"

Hazama's smile grew wider. "Why, yes, yes I do. After all, it was me and my colleagues who caused the damage in the first place." The Volturi vamps shifted into a more aggressive stance. "So you know about vampires… What did you do with them?"

Alucard answered his question. "Unfortunately for all of us, the Cullens, especially Edgar or something or other are still alive and well. The same, however, may or may not be said for you soon enough, depending on your response to our demands." Dio stepped forward "You see, we are part of a… company established to rid this world of… entities such as yourself. That is to say, vampires. Our current target is the… organization which provides your employment."

"Hey, am I relevant yet?" Deadpool strutted in and addressed the three Hellsing operatives. "Yeah, as I was saying, I'm a mercenary. So if you pay me, I could help you with the job. Whaddaya say?"

"We don't require your services." Hazama addressed Deadpool. "And back to you two. We'd be really happy if you told us how to get to your bosses' place, and it would save you the trip to hell too. It's a fair deal; you sell out your bosses, you don't bite the dust."

One of them responded by lunging at Hazama, who dodged his strike with ease and countered with a roundhouse kick to the face. This sent his flying into his friend. "I, Dio, suggest that you do not try our patience, especially that of my colleague. We will endeavor to give you one last chance, and if you so choose to… reject our goodwill, we will have to force the information out of you. One way or another."

"Uh, guys, are you leaving me out on purpose?" Deadpool asked. Just then, Edward barged into the house. "You're from the Volturi?" The grey robed figures confirmed this with a surprised nod. "Great! Go back, tell Aro, Caius and Marcus to send all their forces here! These guys have messed up the lives of my entire family and another as well! Please!"

"Oh, please do. That would save us the trouble of going over there to take them on. And more people to kill is always a good thing." Alucard's grin split his face in two, showing off his fangs. The Volturi officers reacted with shock. "Wh-What are you?"

"You don't know? I'm a vampire, only of a higher order than yours. Now go, get the rest of your forces. You have my word that I will not shoot you in the back, there will be plenty of time for that after you come back with the rest of your colleagues."

"HEY! I am being IGNORED here, and I don't like it!" Deadpool yelled, extremely desperate for attention.

"The others are not needed! We will be your opponents." They got into a fighting stance. Edward did the same.

The three sparklers charged the protagonists, who divvied up the targets. "I call dibs on Sparkles."

"I thought they all sparkle?"

"I mean the one we've been dealing with all this time."

"Oh, then I'll take the one who was doing all the talking."

"Then I, Dio, will take the last straggler."

Deadpool facepalmed. "Hey author. Why don't you try giving me a fucking ROLE in this story?"

"**I assumed you would start bitching about whatever role I gave you and then just make one up for yourself."**

"Good point. Now, who should I help… The sparklers, or the ones with the nice hats and their friend… Oh, I can't decide. You have a spare coin for the toss?" An arcade token appeared in Deadpool's hand. "Nice. Now, could you tell me which side is heads?"

Meanwhile, Team Hellsing was curb stomping the Volturi vampires and Edward. Hazama had pulled Edward's underwear over his face, effectively blinding him and was now in the process of tapping him on the back and then dashing out of the way of Edward's f(l)ailing, which was wrecking his own house even more. _Edward Troll Count: 81, 82._

Alucard was playing with the other one, only using his Casull to toy with him. He was taking his time, shooting off his adversary's fingernails, then his toenails, and the joints of his fingers and toes, and so on. Soon he was left without hands or feet but was still able to retain balance on his stumps and keep dodging, not that it was doing him any good as the bullets still connected with his extremities.

Dio was reading a book as his psychic ghost pummeled the last vampire into the ground, and then pummeled him some more, throwing dirt, concrete and bits of marble all over the room while he thumbed through the pages. Soon, the internal organs of the vampire started flying out as well.

"Right, I think I will go with the winning team!" Deadpool finally decided. "Katana-rama!" He unsheathed Bob and Betty and slashed at Edward while singing merrily. Soon, bits of Edward flew about the room as well. _Edward Troll Count: 83._

He ran over to Alucard's target, who was panting as Alucard reloaded slowly as if to taunt him. "Hey, you ever played Blazblue?" The sorry excuse for a vampire looked at him skeptically. "What is it you talk about?"

"Oh, because if you did, you would be familiar with this… INFERNO DIVIDAA!" He yelled as he did an uppercut with Bob's blade. This sliced The vampire in half and sent his spleen flying into the broken TV.

Finally he went to the third and last butt monkey. Dio's Stand was done with the sad excuse for a warrior and was looking over its master's shoulder and reading the book. Deadpool peered over the rim of the crater and talked to the mess inside. "Hey, if you open you mouth and close your eyes, I'll give you a big surprise."

Apparently robbed of his wits by the great beating, the vamp opened its mouth. "PINEAPPLE!" Deadpool hollered as he tossed a frag grenade into his mouth and dived away from the hole, which was made a few sizes bigger from the resultant explosion.

The victors convened, quite happy from the one-sided beatdown that they laid on the three failures in life. "You're really good. I wouldn't mind hiring your services for a fight every now and then." Alucard complimented.

"Aw, shucks, you're just saying that."

"I, Dio, think that Integra would be quite happy to have you under her employ. Your skills would be a great asset to her… exploits."

"Nah, I got other things to do. My schedule's packed because of that new game coming out next month, Marvel vs. Capcom 3. It's gonna be awesome, because I'm in it."

The three Hellsing operatives raised their eyebrows at him, still unsure of what he means.

"Well, either way I gotta go. I'll still be there when you finally take care of those sparklers though. Have fun with that." With that, Deadpool made his exit.

* * *

**A/N: The wheels of fate are beginning to turn. By the next chapter, the Volturi will learn of the existence of the Hellsing guys and will send more forces to try and eliminate them. Now to more important things, who do you want to make a cameo in the next chapter; Albert Wesker from the Resident Evil series, or Dante from Devil May Cry? **"Hey! I just noticed this, but I barely got to mess with Edward at all! You're lucky my schedule's too full for me to sue your FUCKING PANTS OFF!"** Well, then there's that too. Would you like Deadpool to make another appearance? Please tell me in the reviews.**


	7. Chapter 65: Deadpool Settles His Score

Edward had spent the better part of an hour pulling himself back together in the literal sense. With reference to his psyche, however, was a very different story. He is now suffering from a rather extreme case of paranoia, what with random people coming out of nowhere with personal vendettas against him, not to mention the three guys who barged him a few months ago and royally screwed up his life in general.

He trudged through the lawn, which was pockmarked with large craters and scorch marks. Esme's private garden which only grew the finest of organic fruits and vegetables had a car door, bits of concrete and shards of glass blanketing it, removing any doubt that any and all vegetables would either be dead or inedible.

He finally reached the tool shed which was currently serving as his room as Alucard, one of the three intruders had taken residence in his real room and had proceeded to literally and figuratively shit all over it. When he opened the door however, he was quite surprised.

"Hello, Cullen. I was expecting you." There was a person sitting in his favorite pink armchair, which had been modified without his notice to include a swivel function. The power tools used for the alteration were scattered on the floor, as were bits of wood, cloth and sawdust. Edward shrieked like a little girl. "What have you done to my armchair? Oh my god, I loved it and you… you defiled it!" He started to cry. _Edward Troll Count: 84, 85._

The figure swiveled around, revealing himself to be Deadpool in the Gendo Ikari pose, hands steeped, fingers interlocked and a pair of scary shiny glasses over his mask. "Aw, shaddap, no need to get your pink flower print panties in a bunch! Sheesh, it's just a freaking armchair. Hell, I improved it! It can swivel now, and if ya don't like it, just get a new one." _Edward Troll Count: 86._

Deadpool tossed the glasses into a corner. He changed his posture, now he was slouching lazily with his hands behind his head and one leg resting on the other. "But you… Ho ho ho, your makeover isn't gonna be as pretty. In the last chapter, I barely got to slice you up into sparkly sashimi, but now?" Deadpool allowed his actions to answer his question; his right hand reaching for Bob, one of his katanas, and his left for Jenny, one of his pistols. Edward flinched before turning to run.

Outside, a few sparrows had landed on the roof of Eddie's shed. Two of them started fighting and both fell off the roof in the middle of the scuffle. The others hopped over to the edge and looked down, only to see them disintegrate into a puff of blood and charred feathers. Edward burst out of the wall screaming like a ninny as Deadpool chased after him with a giant mallet. _Edward Troll Count: 87._

"Where the hell did you pull that out from?" Edward screamed while running away as fast as he can. Despite the fact that he could run at about 60 miles an hour, Deadpool has having no trouble keeping up while swinging the giant hammer this way and that. "Hammerspace! Any fictional character worth his salt has access to it, and I just pulled the mother of all hammers out! Now get back here so I can play Whackamole with your internal organs!" _Edward Troll Count: 88._

Deadpool managed to catch up and gave a mighty yell as he brought the hammer down on Edward, who dived out of the way. The hammer made a comical squeaky sound, but it also created a crater a meter in radius. Edward squealed in fear while picking himself up and diving into the bushes. "Hey! Come back! I haven't seen what color your brain is yet! Wait a minute, does he even have a brain…" Deadpool got sidetracked by the random thought, allowing Edward to escape, albeit for the time being.

Edward pushed his way through the thicket, panting and tripping, his tears of fear mixing with his sweat, which his species of faggot normally do not secrete unless scared completely shitless. He looked over his shoulder to check if Deadpool was chasing, and seeing that there were no crazy men in skintight suits armed to the teeth in pursuit, he finally stopped. _*Zap*. _Edward suddenly felt dread creep up his spine and back down into the nether regions of his pants, and he sincerely thanked whoever was looking down on him that at least they gave him the consolation of making him decide to wear his brown pants that day. _Edward Troll Count: 89, 90, 91, 92._

"Miss me, Eddie? Didn't think I can teleport, huh? Well, this here device was made by some random guy I forgot back in my old comic book, which I think is still running, haven't stopped by a store to check. Anyway, after I found out that it sometimes blows up in my face if I use it too much, I decided to tinker around with it. It blew up some more, but now I improved it. It still does explode sometimes, but now I can teleport to wherever my prey is." Deadpool narrowed his eyes at Edward as he mentioned 'prey', who was still shitting his pants. "I'm in a good mood. You have a ten second head start. Better make it count." _Edward Troll Count: 93, 94._

Edward bolted like he never bolted before, his shit leaking out his pant legs, but he was too busy running like mad to care. Deadpool suddenly turned up beside him, sharpening Bob and Betty like a pair of oversized Christmas turkey carving knives. "Wait, was that a ten second or one second head start? Eh, who cares? Never was good with math anyway. Unless it comes to money, boy do I love them greenbacks. My best friends are Lincoln, Grant, Franklin..." Edward screamed at an ultrasonic pitch as he started to shit concrete blocks. _Edward Troll Count: 95, 96, 97, 98._

"Hey, Eddie, guess what? The Edward Troll Count is nearly at a hundred! The big one-double-o! And I'm really proud to say that I'm gonna be the one to make it finally hit triple digits! And to think that a fan review of this said that he or she wanted to the count to hit thirty, ha! Well, how should I end this…? Oh wait, I shouldn't tell you guys, it's a secret!"

Just as Deadpool was about to raise the knife for the troll, a leg stuck out of nowhere, tripping Edward, who Deadpool crashed into. The next scene involved extreme slow motion, where the duo were in mid-air, and their screaming was a low-pitched moan. Edward's in particular was panicked, as he was falling face first into a pile of fresh dung. His arms squirmed in mid-air, but it was all futile as he was not doing anything to break his fall. Deadpool however managed to reorient himself, but now his ass was positioned directly over Edward's head. Edward was still screaming, but was cut off as his mouth made contact with the turd. Tears rolled from his eyes, but was cut short when Deadpool landed ass-first in his head and forced his face deeper into the dirt and shit. Time resumed its flow. _Edward Troll Count: 99, __**100,**__ 101, 102, 103, 104, 105._

In the brush, Hazama smirked while chuckling evilly to himself. "Heh heh, like I'm gonna let someone who's not even a main character of this fic take the hundredth troll! Who the hell do ya think I am? I'm the motherfucking God of Trolling, that's who! It's even listed on Tvtropes! Oh yeah, thanks for the help Dio." Dio smirked, as did his stand.

Deadpool looked around, then got off Edward's head. Edward was now unconscious, his face streaked with tears and shit. Deadpool looked at the spectacle, and suddenly a cross-shaped vein popped up on his temple. "GREEEEEEEEEN-HAAAAAAAAIRRRRRRRRED GUUUUUUUUUUUUY!" Hazama tried to stifle his mad cackling and nearly failed, managing to get another troll in the bag. _Edward Troll Count: 106._

Deadpool started to vent his rage on his surroundings, particularly on Edward. Soon, there was a new clearing in the forest, with Edward buried with only his ankles and feet above the ground. Deadpool stomped angrily as he exited the forest, muttering angrily to himself. "Damn no good green haired Michael Jackson impersonator stealing my crowning moment of awesome, taking my credit. One day I oughta… Oh well, at least I managed to get some fun outta this excursion this time. Looks like I won't have to sue you after all, author guy!"

"**No sweat. It's fun trolling Eddie. It's the only reason I started this fic."**

"Yeah, I know. I'm gonna have to take you up on the offer of those tickets, though! Gimme a call when it's time!" As he finished the sentence, Deadpool thumbed his belt buckle and zapped out of existence.

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's it for Deadpool's cameo. I guess this would be the equivalent of an omake chapter, but due to a lack of public opinion on who should be the next guest star, I would like to ask you all to choose between either Dante or Wesker. Please let me know. Please.**


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